The shock is wearing off
Like the flashbulb that popped on the souvenir photo
We looked at Cinderella’s toppled carriage and laughed and laughed.
I would message you “I want to die, I want to die”
And so did you.
You were the only friend to visit me in London. We went to Banksy’s exhibit Dismaland at an abandoned underwater amusement park. You ordered all of these toys, and a Unicorn Tears gin made with real silver edible glitter to be delivered to my friend’s house where I was renting a room.
I weighed 74lbs. I was a ketamine addict. In the photos, I had a kidney infection and I look nearly dead.
Of the other two girls in the photos, one ghosted me and the other I had to sever contact with to protect another friend. And yet that day is one of my favorite memories.
I made a youtube video with a package you sent me.
“I feel lonely all the time” I said. “Do you ever feel alone?” I said.
You mailed me a unicorn grumpy cat plushie and rainbow gumballs in a package that said “Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.”
I raised a fake shotgun to my head and talked about possession of a gun being legal in Florida. There was a gun range a 15 minute walk away from my family’s house. This was my plan.
I had distanced myself from you for over 2 years when I found out.
From 26 to 28 I am now a script writer. I am clean off of drugs. I am writing a novel. I was employed before the pandemic. I practice yoga.
When I heard the news of your death it was very late on a Monday night. I had just finished a chapter in the book that I was stressing about. Suddenly I am no longer a stable woman of a healthy weight who is pulling herself together. Suddenly I am 24 and I have long keratin treated platinum blonde hair and I am underweight and I stab my arms with needles.
I feel like my exoskeleton is collapsing into a previous x-ray. And the next day I have a friend over and we make cocktails and I drink too much, forgetting that these days I have a glass of wine occasionally and my tolerance is nonexistent. And that night I vomited into a toilet wondering why I poisoned myself. Usually, I am over-aware of my limits now.
Today I woke up with a hangover, like Athena pounding her way with an ax out of Zeus’s skull.
I feel like a naked red skinless nerve, all raw ends.
More and more of our friends are posting about you. I don’t want to think death. I don’t want to think drama. I don’t want to think mental instability.
I want to think of how I met so many of my Brooklyn friends through you. I want to think of glitter. I want to think of the musicals and rainbows we loved. I want to think about how even the Unicorn Tears in your gin sparkled.